Report: The Nation Has Healed And It’s Time To Rejoice!

WASHINGTON—With the closing of the great national rift and the receding of that dark menace which threatened to tear the land asunder, the body politic has healed, and the time has come for all citizens to rejoice, a new report confirmed Thursday. According to civic observers, the long-awaited hour has finally arrived, and through the whole of this great nation, from the shores of the Atlantic to the Pacific, each man must lay down arms and embrace his enemy, for in truth, he is no enemy at all but a brother. For the first time in years, the sun has reportedly risen over a truly United States of America, so experts recommend rising to one’s feet, erupting in jubilant noise, dancing in the town square, and joining hands with one’s neighbor to sing the glad song now dwelling in every heart! At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s formerly joyous streets were running red with blood after one Twitter user told another to “eat shit.”