Report: Sure Been A While Since Someone Killed Themselves On Live TV

NEW YORK—In a sign of the dramatic shifts in broadcasting over the past several decades, a report released Wednesday by the New York University Department of Media found that it sure has been a while since someone killed themselves on live TV. “Yeah, it just seems like it’s been years since a disgruntled politician or activist rushed in front of a camera brandishing a weapon and had their last horrific moments broadcast to stunned viewers across the country,” said researcher Andrew Fowler, who rushed to note that this was by no means an endorsement of a pundit or anchor putting a sidearm to their head and pulling the trigger, thereby searing themselves indelibly into the nation’s consciousness. “Obviously, this isn’t something we’re encouraging. No one wants to be watching your average man-on-the-street segment when suddenly, wham, some random guy pours kerosene on himself and lights a match. All we’re saying is it’s just completely crazy when it happens. You can’t help but talk to coworkers and friends for days afterwards and say, ‘Oh my God, did you see what they showed on the news?’ And then the other person goes, ‘Yeah, that was totally fucking insane.’ That sort of thing hasn’t happened for quite some time, is all we’re saying here.” The researchers also noted that maybe the lack of people killing themselves on the news was even some kind of encouraging trend.