Report: Rising Market Instability Driving More Countries To Peg Currencies To Akon’s Akoin

WASHINGTON—As the shock of Covid-19 continues to roil world markets, a report published Friday by the International Monetary Fund has found that more countries are choosing to peg their national currencies to Akoin, the cryptocurrency of musician and entrepreneur Akon. “Given the volatility of exchanges, we want our currency to have the backing that only the singer of ‘Smack That’ can provide,” said President Simonetta Sommaruga of Switzerland, which considered tying the value of its free-floating franc to the U.S. dollar or the euro, but instead opted for Akoin, with officials citing its comparative stability and potential for future growth. “Our greatest hope of riding out this economic downturn is to reap the benefits provided by what we believe will soon become the world’s new reserve currency. In fact, our next step will be to phase out the franc entirely and adopt Akoin as our official medium of exchange. We expect investor confidence to reach an all-time high once every Swiss transaction is conducted with a financial instrument that comes with the full faith and credit of the artist who scored a Grammy nomination for his collaboration with Snoop Dogg on ‘I Wanna Fuck You’—especially after we install Akoin ATMs nationwide.” Sommaruga also expressed optimism that Switzerland would fulfill Akoin’s stated mission of one day creating a real-life Wakanda.