Report: No One Got Covid And It Was One Hell Of A Party You Missed

MIAMI—Following a spectacular night that your completely uninfected friends will be talking about for years to come, a new report out this weekend confirmed that no one got Covid and you missed out on one hell of a party, my friend. According to the detailed and comprehensive report, 100% of the partygoers remained perfectly healthy, and they all had a blast reconnecting with old friends and making new ones while you sat at home alone, watching reruns of shows you didn’t even enjoy much the first time around. Your impulse to exercise caution in order to prevent the spread of a deadly disease appeared to have been all for naught, given that there was zero spread of Covid at the party, which those in attendance unanimously agreed was “so much fun,” “off the hook,” and “exactly what everybody needed.” At press time, the exponential spread of the Omicron variant had reportedly ensured the blowout bash you just missed was your last chance to engage in any kind of meaningful social interaction for the next six months.