Report: Maybe Going To Strip Club For First Time Exactly What Isolated 33-Year-Old Needs

CHICAGO—Suggesting the venue could provide the friendship and intimacy the man had lacked for so long, a report released Thursday found that going to a strip club might be exactly what isolated 33-year-old Luke Walters needs. “When you think about it, making an inaugural visit to somewhere like the Admiral Theatre and taking in a Las Vegas–style revue could really help Luke with his loneliness,” read a section of the report, which speculated that enjoying an erotic striptease and a cocktail in a neon-lit environment while surrounded by men roughly his age or older could be precisely what’s necessary for him to shake off his depression. “There might be a whole community of guys Luke could talk to, bond with over some beers and sliders from the kitchen, and maybe build into his own cool little friend group. That’s not even mentioning all the physical contact he’d get if he bought a lap dance or two. Plus, they blast really energetic hip-hop there. How do you feel sad when that’s happening?” At press time, the report concluded that all that was holding Walters back from starting this incredible new phase in his life was getting a few hundred dollars out of the ATM and ordering an Uber to the closest gentleman’s club.