Report Finds Damn, Al-Qaeda Has A Lot Of Guys

WASHINGTON—Following a U.S. drone strike that killed the terrorist organization’s leader, an intelligence report released Tuesday found that damn, al-Qaeda has a lot of guys. “After rigorous analysis of al-Qaeda’s membership structure, we have found that, holy shit, they’ve really got a ton of guys,” said military analyst Peter Lampson, explaining that you take out one al-Qaeda guy and it’s like 10 more guys sprout up in that guy’s place. “It seems like we’ve killed their number-two guy, like, what, a dozen times? But there are somehow still more guys. How does that even happen? And these are just old guys. That’s not even taking into account all the new guys they got.” Lampson stressed, however, that this recent drone strike had hopefully taken out al-Qaeda’s last guy.