Report: Catapult Industry Won’t Survive Another Year Without Medieval War Breaking Out

CASTELNAUD-LA-CHAPELLE, FRANCE—Noting a sharp decline in demand over the past five centuries, a new economic report released Friday revealed that the catapult industry would not survive another year unless a medieval war broke out sometime in the next 12 months. “According to our research, the catapult could be rendered completely obsolete by as soon as 2022 if there is no coordinated invasion of a medieval empire this year,” read the report in part, adding that both personal and professional use of catapults has dwindled since the 1521 siege of the Aztec capital Tenochtitlán. “Times have not been kind to catapult manufacturers, as trebuchets sit unused in warehouses collecting dust, with most companies lucky to move one or two units every 500 years or so. Not to mention, catapults take forever to make. At one point, when the market was good, these companies had multi-decade contracts rolling in left and right from the French and British monarchies, and it seemed like every week or so a visigoth would lay siege upon some new territory that required defending. Now, crickets. Just like we saw with the battering ram in the ’90s.” The report also found that the catapult industry at large had pinned all hopes of survival on an impending U.S. crusade to take Jerusalem.