Report: Average American Spends 25% Of Life Waiting In Line At Cell Phone Store

STANFORD, CA—Researchers from Stanford University published the results of an alarming report Tuesday that confirmed the average American spends roughly 25 percent of their life waiting in line at a cell phone store. “Our analysis found that most people spend about 20 to 25 years of their lives waiting to be helped by the next free employee behind a cell phone store counter, often attempting to amuse themselves by looking across the room at the selection of cell phone cases or half-heartedly watching whatever is playing on the store’s television,” said lead researcher Kim Flores, explaining that by including the amount of time Americans spent seated in a chair in the store’s waiting room, the number would increase to over 40 percent of one’s life span. “We certainly didn’t think it was possible, but the numbers don’t lie. Countless people have lost many years of their lives, missing important events such as loved ones’ birthdays, weddings, and funerals to instead stand in line behind five to six other customers. It’s unfortunate, but true.” Flores also confirmed that, at the time of the report, over 400 Americans had died while standing in line.

For humans who wish their phone service company would start treating them like humans and stop wasting their time: Visible. It’s phone service. In an app.