NASHVILLE, TN—Finally unhindered by his wife Tipper’s 25-year-long household ban on violent and sexually explicit music, former vice president Al Gore, 62, reportedly embraced his newfound independence this week by listening to the albums of the heavy metal band W.A.S.P.
“For the first time in decades, I get to play the kind of music I like without someone nagging me about what a bad influence it is,” said Gore, sitting on the floor of his living room as he cued up the song “Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)“ on his stereo. “And I get to crank it up as loud as I want.”
“These guys are kicking some serious ass,” added the two-term U.S. Senator. “Check out this guitar break coming up—it’s nasty.”
Gore, who was prohibited from hearing music with graphic sex, violence, or drug references since Tipper founded the Parents Music Resource Center in 1985, confirmed yesterday that her crusade was “total bullcrap.” In addition, Gore said that listening to the forbidden W.A.S.P. albums over and over again had not turned him into a satanic dope fiend as his wife and her associates had warned.
“It sucked because we always had to listen to garbage like Carly Simon and Lyle Lovett all the time,” said Gore, who told reporters that he was “loving” being single again. “That stuff is lame, man. If it doesn’t have big balls and bigger riffs, get it out of my stereo!”
According to Gore, being deprived of artists like W.A.S.P., Mötley Crüe, and Ice Cube for so many years only made him more curious. The former presidential candidate claimed that finally hearing them all for the first time was “like having [his] brains shot into outer space.”
“I can’t believe I wasted half my life helping Tipper put warning labels on this stuff when I could have been seeing these guys do their thing live,” Gore said of W.A.S.P. “They used to whip raw meat at the audience. How bad-ass is that?”
“Cause I’m burning, burning, burning up with fi-ire! “ added Gore, screaming the lyrics to “Wild Child.”
According to Gore’s personal assistant Eric Linscott, the Nobel Peace Prize winner has been spending most of each workday gorging himself on the songs “On Your Knees,” “The Torture Never Stops,” and “Show No Mercy.”
“I spent six hours at Best Buy yesterday trying to find these Quiet Riot and N.W.A. albums he was asking for,” said Linscott, who claimed he also purchased a mirror etched with the AC/DC logo for Gore’s home office. “Whenever I try to talk to him about upcoming meetings or something, he just makes this, like, devil symbol with his hands or starts air-drumming. I’m really hoping this is just a phase.”
Sources confirmed that Gore has also been catching up on movies that Tipper would not allow the 62-year-old to view because they contained violence, adult language, or nudity. He recently finished watching Purple Rain nearly 26 years after his wife forced him to turn it off because the song “Darling Nikki” contains references to masturbation.
Gore also announced plans to stay up all night watching Porky’s, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Red Dawn, and The Terminator.
“Why would I need Tipper when I’ve got all this?” said Gore, gesturing toward stacks of compact discs, vinyl albums, VHS cassettes, DVDs, and Nintendo games. “I’ll tell you one thing: If she thinks I miss her, then she’s out of her mind, because I don’t. I’m living the dream here, my friend. I’m not lonely at all.”
Added Gore, “Not lonely at all.”
In related news, family sources reported that Tipper Gore has been enjoying her newfound freedom by taking 20-minute showers and leaving the lights on all day.
