Real Estate Agents Trying To Gentrify Run-Down Earth By Renaming It West Saturn

ORION ARM—Emphasizing the short billion-mile trip from the ringed planet’s metro center to the historic and oft-overlooked locale, the solar system’s real estate agents have begun trying to attract home buyers to the neglected, run-down planet of Earth by renaming it “West Saturn.” “It’s obviously not the quietest or most scenic area, with its increasingly finicky weather and single moon, but it’s obviously in the same solar system as Saturn and fairly close to Proxima Centauri, Epsilon Eridani, and a ton of other really great spots in the Milky Way,” said broker Sally Mansfield while hastily trotting an interested buyer past one of Earth’s more squalid subcontinents, assuring them not to worry as they would spend most of their time on Saturn anyway. “You might feel a little jumpy about all the poorly maintained downtown areas or the lack of easy access to good food, or perhaps the deteriorating schools or the presence of microplastics in every single life-form. But you can’t put a price on easy access to a beautiful, thriving planetary center like Saturn. With Mars almost sold through, demand for the good spots on Earth is only going to heat up, much like Earth itself.” Mansfield would not comment on the possible effect of gentrification on the impoverished minorities who make up most of Earth’s current population.