In vitro fertilization is believed to have helped couples conceive more than 10 million children since 1978. But a state court’s ruling that embryos in a lab have the same rights as children has led Alabama fertility clinics to stop offering the procedure. Take this quiz to see how much you actually know about the process of IVF before coming to your own conclusions.
Q: What does IVF stand for?
A: Intergalactic Vagina Fetus
Q: Does IVF work?
A: If your goal is to have octuplets, yes.
Q: How old is too old to receive IVF?
A: While there isn’t a standard maximum age, it’s generally disgusting to imagine a woman over 40 still having a vagina.
Q: How much does IVF cost?
A: Honey, if you have to ask, keep moving.
Q: How long does IVF take?
A: Anywhere from three months to life depending on how lenient your judge is.
Q: What is the first step of IVF?
A: Getting the hell out of Alabama.
Q: How are frozen IVF embryos transferred?
A: Slingshot.
Q: What if the eggs don’t fertilize?
A: Alabama will put you in prison for something else.
Q: What kind of doctor typically performs an egg retrieval surgery?
A: A physician, or anyone with long slender fingers.
Q: What are the 5 stages of IVF?
A: Medication, harvesting, bankruptcy, bank heist, hiding out in Mexico under a new identity while avoiding the Feds.
Q: Where in the Bible does it forbid IVF?
A: The Gospel of Luke, chapters 1 and 2, in which God freaks out and can’t pay Mary’s $20,000 implantation bill.
Q: What if my fertilized eggs get mixed up with a bunch of fertilized dog eggs?
A: Well, then you give birth to a bunch of human-dog pups. Sorry, that’s just the deal with IVF.
Q: How is a man’s sperm extracted?
A: Men must be put under anesthesia and have each sperm surgically removed from their testicles with a long needle.
Q: What are the possible side effects of injectable fertility medicine?
A: The most common reaction is a mild salsa at the injection site. Whoops, sorry. We’re really hungry. Our boss made us skip lunch to throw this quiz together. We meant to say death.
Q: Whose sperm is that? The label fell off.
A: Hmm. Looks like Warren’s, but tastes like Dave’s.
Q: Which hole?
A: Dealer’s choice.
Q: If life begins at conception, then how come astrological signs aren’t assigned until birth?
A: Good point.
Q: What is the ideal age of an egg donor?
A: Eleven and a half.
Q: What is one of the biggest risks of IVF?
A: Having shithead twins named Kenny and Vinny.
Q: What is the ideal temperature for embryos to be stored at?
A: They should be sous vide at 145 degrees Fahrenheit until they are a jammy soft-boiled texture in the center.
Q: What kinds of genetic anomalies do doctors test embryos for?
A: Look, lady, you’re 49 years old—you’ll take what you can get.
Q: What ring of hell do women who have undergone IVF find themselves in?
