Queen’s Casket Visited By Thousands Of Ex-Lovers She Took After Her Husband’s Passing

LONDON—Ranging in age from as old as 97 to as young as 16, the queen’s casket was reportedly visited Thursday by thousands of ex-lovers she took after the death of her husband Prince Philip. “I could never hold her down—I always wanted to, but I never could,” said 42-year-old software engineer Bryan Sweney, who represented just one of thousands of inconsolable paramours recounting heated one-night stands and torrid two-week trysts in the queue that stretched outside Westminster Hall, which experts estimated extended for nearly seven miles. “God, those were the best nights of my life. No one else’s touch could ever compare. She really is the queen that got away. I would like to get my jumper back though.” At press time, a miles-long brawl had broken out in the line after a mourner claimed the queen had been in love with him and him alone.