Puzzled Coworkers Not Sure Why Man Telling Them He Has Cancer

‘We’re Not His Friends Or Family,’ Say Confused Colleagues

DALLAS—Shooting awkward looks at each other as he spoke about his upcoming months of radiation treatment, puzzled coworkers of local man Benjamin Sharp admitted Tuesday they had no idea why he was telling them he has cancer. “This cancer stuff all seems kind of personal, and I’m not sure why he wanted to have a whole discussion about it when it doesn’t have anything to do with the project we’re working on,” said marketing manager Levi Kautzman, one of several employees at Tidewater Printing and Supply who speculated that there must be some kind of HR policy that prohibits the sharing of private medical information. “Cancer is terrible, of course, but we’re not this guy’s support system. We just work here. Frankly, I don’t think details about how your disease has metastasized, spread to the liver, and left you with a 10% chance of survival are an appropriate topic for the workplace.” Kautzman added that he would never talk to his coworkers that way, observing that he had not once engaged in an unprofessional conversation about how his son had been abducted two years ago and still had not been found.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper