Putin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged Elections

MOSCOW—Clicking back and forth between the open tabs on his web browser, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly stayed up late Friday night, constantly refreshing a website to check for results from a rigged referendum to determine whether occupied areas of Ukraine would join Russia. “I already know what’s going to happen, but I still get super anxious waiting to see the outcomes of preordained elections,” said Putin, pacing around his bedroom for a few seconds before rushing back to the computer screen for updates on the annexation vote being overseen in a war zone by Russian authorities. “I mean, I inflated the vote counts for my side and ordered troops to force dissenters to stay away from the polls, but I’m just a junky watching these things. Annexation is ahead now and will win by a large margin because I already have the results right here in my hand, but I still get those butterflies in my stomach like anything could happen.” At press time, Putin was screaming at officials for congratulating him before the polls closed in case they jinxed the results.