Slavery reparations bill H.R. 40, named after the unfulfilled Civil War promise of “40 acres and a mule,” has been introduced in every congressional session since 1989. The Onion examines the pros and cons of reparations for Black Americans.
PRO: Get to watch some poor sucker decide who’s included and who’s not.
CON: Whole point of slavery is not having to pay people.
PRO: Would do wonders for the white guilt epidemic.
CON: Have to import a lot of mules.
PRO: Small price to pay to permanently end all racial tension in America forever.
CON: Incentivizes other groups to be enslaved for a few centuries and then cash out 150 years after they’re emancipated.
PRO: “Welfare queen” stereotype would be replaced with much much cooler “reparations tzar.”
CON: Nowhere in the Constitution does it say the government has the power to spend money.
PRO: Would really rock local opinion pages’ worlds.
CON: Too difficult to implement in a nation that no longer sees color.
