The NFL is facing a possible lockout and the loss of next season if owners and the players’ union can’t work through these sticking points during negotiations:
Players are requesting the term “unrestricted free agent” be changed to “man who don’t owe nothin’ to nobody”
Owners want to cut back on 401k, player annuity, and severance spending, whereas players want someone to explain to them what any of that means
Players just pretending to want jewel-encrusted helicopters so they have something to give up at the table
Owners sick of giving players valuable game-worn football jerseys for free
Both sides fighting for more loopholes
Owners would like to change employment structure to a freelance system so players would be responsible for invoicing their teams for each reception, tackle, and Super Bowl victory
Actually, advertising slathered all over the uniforms fine by both sides
Owners will not budge on forcing players to watch their annual 32-way orgy
Players want health insurance
