Following numerous boycotts of companies that show support for the human beings in the LGBTQ community, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how pride has gone too far, and this is what they said.
Ralph Simplot, Bridge Inspector
“If kids see people marching in the street, they’ll think it’s okay to express their First Amendment rights.”
Oscar Corona, Arborist
“They wouldn’t let me in their parade because I’m a straight bigot, and that hurt my feelings.”
Kelsey Wilson, Hospital Director
“The gay liberation movement was better before it went woke.”
Kyla Myers, Zookeeper
“They should have stopped the flag at the color green. Everything else is gratuitous.”
Hank White, Farmer
“One should only feel pride in their superior race.”
Sara White, Sculptor
“I feel like I can’t turn anywhere in Target without seeing a rainbow flag or a pride mug, and then I get vertigo and spin and spin as all the racks of gay pride flags and rainbows grow larger and larger around me, until finally I’m wandering for months inside of the pride section, screaming, screaming for someone to please save me—to rescue me from the billions of gay pride aisles stretching as far as the eye can see.”
Michael Finby, Dental Assistant
“It went too far when they got rid of all the good ol’ American shame.”
Gavin Haverson, Fish Tackle Artisan
“I’m a homosexual now because of those sons of bitches! I’m living my best life, honestly expressing my identity to myself and my friends and family, due to their woke gay agenda!”
Scott Maynard, Sales Executive
“Two-for-one promotions on boozy rainbow milkshakes all month long?! Pride has ruined my waistline!”
Mike Polchansky, Mathematician
“I don’t like that they wear leather in their summer parade when they know full well that the material isn’t breathable and is best suited for colder months.”
Zeus, God Of Thunder
“A woman should only lie with a divine goose.”
Zelda Freely, Acupuncturist
“Pride is a deadly sin. Before you know it, we’ll be talking about gay gluttony, just you watch.”
Courtney Smith, Day Care Owner
“I don’t want our children getting molested by pride floats.”
John Tenison, Plastic Surgeon
“At last year’s pride, I opened my mouth to sing along to the chorus of ‘Call Your Girlfriend,’ and a bug flew down my throat. Does that sound safe to you?”
Pat Benson, Arc Welder
“Lesbians ruin the novelty of two chicks kissing.”
Tara Nickles, Football Commentator
“Woke liberals are even rewriting American classics to include queer themes—I just read James Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room, and it’s absolutely lousy with references to the gay community!”
Paula Stuart, Meter Maid
“What if my child were to see that parade? Then she’d want me to take her to them all the time.”
Stephen Barrow, Construction Worker
“I feel like no one even remembers when Judy Garland and The Golden Girls were huge cishet male icons.”
Natalia Coleman, Orthodontist
“God, those parades are horrifying. All of them out there, bouncing, glistening…dancing… It’s… It’s gross.”
Jimmy Vaca, Float Builder
“Because of these gays, Lady Gaga is way too big a star to perform on my special float I made in the shape of her head. It just sits in the garage, gathering dust.”
Louis Erksine, Phlebotomist
“All the items, they were regular, you see? Regular, heterosexual items. But then, then these gays, they took the items and that made them rainbow. Rainbow! The items! All the precious items! What has happened to our nation?!”
