Poll Finds 82% Of Drunk Women Really Needed Night Like This

CHICAGO—In a nationwide survey of more than 5,000 girlfriends currently out on the town, a new poll published Tuesday by the University of Chicago’s Center for Public Affairs Research found that 82% of drunk women really needed a night like this. “Four-fifths of all female friends drinking to excess said that, until now, they had not realized just how overdue they were for a night out with their girls,” research scientist Meghan Hoover told reporters, adding that further analysis suggested poll respondents were almost unanimously in favor of making this a monthly thing. “Of those who agreed the gathering was exactly what they needed, nearly half cited the completely insane day they just had; approximately a third expressed gratitude for the opportunity to vent about their boss, who has been a total dick lately; and the remainder said they were always excited to spend time with friends as fucking amazing and talented as the women surrounding them right now.” Hoover went on to note that after the seventh chardonnay toast of the night, the number dropped from 82% to 57%, with a quarter of drunk women having reportedly vomited in a public restroom, an alley, or, during an Uber ride home, their handbag.