Planet Explodes

EARTH—All Earth lifeforms are feared dead in Monday’s explosion of the four-billion-year-old planet, sources report. “We are still searching through the rubble for any signs of life which may be present,” said American Red Cross volunteer Patricia O’Donnell. “But we stress that the hope of retrieving survivors is quite slim.” A research mishap at Long Island’s Brookhaven National Laboratories is believed responsible for the catastrophic explosion.