Despite potentially violating antitrust laws, the PGA Tour and LIV Golf recently announced a planned merger. The Onion asked golf fans and pros what they thought about the merger, and this is what they said.
Kyle Werther, Gig Worker
“This is exactly what I said would happen when they started allowing Black people at Augusta National.”
Jay Monahan, PGA Tour Commissioner
“I hope the next 9/11 is perpetrated with golf.”
Michelle Waddle, Home Health Aide
“I hope to be the first female fan executed for cheering too loud on the 18th green.”
Brooks Koepka, Pro Golfer
“$$$$$$$$$. Also, $$$$$$$$$. And don’t forget $$$$$$$$$$.”
Tyler Newell, Internet Technician
“I’ve pretty much always associated golf with human rights violations, so this has me more excited about my favorite sport than ever.”
Phil Mickelson, Pro Golfer
“The United States has spent decades enriching Saudi Arabia through war and violence. This is just America recouping our investment, baby!”
Mohammed bin Salman, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia
“Interesting question. Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second over here in this dimly lit back room? Oh, and don’t mind this bone saw, it’s for a totally different thing.”
Jennifer Parker, Chef
“I’m very discouraged about the fact that the Saudis are Muslim, but I’m a huge fan of the way they abuse migrant workers, torture women, and airstrike Yemeni civilians.”
Jared Kushner, Former Government Official
“It’s absolutely disgusting, I’ve never dealt with such a cheap-ass, human-rights abusing autocratic regime. At first they’re, like, ‘We will give you $5 billion to sell out your country,’ and then they just pony up a measly $2 billion.”
Dustin Johnson, Pro Golfer
“I’m conflicted. As a longtime proponent of human rights, I—no, sorry, I can’t keep this up. I don’t give a shit. Keep women second-class citizens. Funnel money to terrorists. Bomb a Yemeni orphanage. Whatever we have to do in the service of golf, we must do. Golf is sacred. I worship at the altar of golf. Golf, my beautiful favorite, my alpha and omega, my sacred clubs, each putter more sacred than the last! I journey through the hinterlands of the rough to my Mecca of the putting green, wielding my putter like a torch, and if anyone should get in my way, I should hope that my one true lord Golf smites them where they stand! Aieeeeeeeee!”
Bubba Watson, Pro Golfer/
“Our plan is finally complete.”
Chase Koepka, Pro Golfer
“Who gives a shit, it’s just a different bunch of rich assholes in charge of golf.”
Joe Biden, President Of The United States
“Listen Jack, we are not going to take any guff when it comes to begging for Saudi oil.”
Leonard Smythe, Car Dealership Owner
“I worry this will besmirch golf’s reputation as a progressive, everyman’s game.”
Lee Westwood, Pro Golfer
“I don’t think people should rush to judgment; remember, the Saudis did an absolutely amazing job on the 9/11 attacks.”
Mohammed bin Salman, Crown Prince Of Saudi Arabia
“It’s wonderful that sports and money can bring us all together to ignore grave human rights violations.”
