Pfizer Granted Emergency Use For Pill That Kills You Before Covid Can

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the “revolutionary treatment” could change the way we fight the novel coronavirus, drug manufacturer Pfizer was granted emergency use authorization Wednesday for a pill that kills you before Covid can. “After several months of testing, Pfizer has successfully created an oral medication capable of ending the life of Covid patients far faster and more efficiently than the disease itself,” said Acting Commissioner Janet Woodcock of the Food and Drug Administration, adding that in 88% of cases, the pill succeeded in immediately cutting off patients’ airways and shutting down their brains, hearts, and other vital organs, even after just one day of infection. “When given to subjects with severe cases, the drug succeeded in getting ahead of the viral load, preventing hospital visits, and immediately killing the patient within their own home, all at a fraction of the cost of other treatments. Once a person receives a positive Covid test, they should immediately inform their doctor so they can be prescribed the medication, pronounced dead, and placed in the ground as soon as possible.” While the drug was still only approved for killing high-risk adults, the FDA assured Americans that emergency use authorization would soon be expanded to anyone 12 and older.