Pete Buttigieg Trapped Beneath Derailed Model Train

WASHINGTON—Trapped beneath nearly five pounds of aluminum and plastic, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly unable to move Thursday after his body was pinned beneath a derailed model train. “Oh God, help me—somebody help!” said Buttigieg, who cried out in pain and anguish as he lay on a plush area rug beside the table where, after traveling too quickly around a curve, a 1:48-scale train jumped its tracks and landed on the 42-year-old Cabinet official. “Quick, somebody get this thing off me! I can’t feel my legs. I think I’m paralyzed! Oh, no, no, no, no. Is there blood? I can’t look. I knew I never should have left South Bend.” Chasten Buttigieg is said to have entered the room and removed the freight-train replica crushing the chest of his husband, who soon dusted off his overalls, replaced his engineer cap, and vowed federal regulators would severely penalize the Lionel toy train company.