Petco Announces All Human-Pig Hybrids On Clearance

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the adorable abominations would not last long, Petco announced Thursday that all human-pig hybrids were on clearance at its retail locations across the country. “Starting today, customers can come in to any Petco store and buy a pink, humanoid pig-man or pig-woman at half price,” said Petco spokesperson Cara Lieberman, adding that the fleshy, swine-like creatures, which had a pig snout, a humanoid body, and long rows of nipples, were actually fairly easy to take care of and made great house pets. “All you need to do to care of your new pet is feed it acorns, make sure its hooves stay clean, and milk its udders when they get full of human-pig milk. If you don’t mind a large, fleshy creature screaming, bashing its head against its cage, and throwing its feces in your direction, these lovable little affronts to God just might be the pet for you.” At press time, Petco announced that it had terminated the controversial program after several human-pig breeds that were supposed to be miniature had ballooned to over 600 pounds.