LIMA, PERU—In a daring midnight raid Monday, Peru’s Tupac Amaru rebels seized control of their lives, determining clear goals for their futures and turning their dreams into reality through positive-minded conceptualization techniques.
The seizure is considered by international motivational strategists to be a devastating blow to Peruvian president Albert Fujimori, long seen as a major threat to the Peruvian rebels’ self-esteem and ability to grow emotionally.
“With this defiant act, we, the Tupac Amaru rebels, have taken major strides toward freeing ourselves from self-defeating patterns of behavior, mastering our minds and unlocking our true potential, all by following the four-part SUCcesS plan,” group leader Nestor Cerpa said in an underground radio broadcast Monday. “First, we Saw our goals, visualizing our new lives of financial independence and self-realization. Second, we Utilized our skills to eliminate fears and success-blocking thoughts. Third, we Committed ourselves to following our individual success path. And fourth, we Showed our willingness to remodel our lives and become the people we want to be by purchasing all 12 Amazing Power! motivational audio cassettes in just four easy payments.”
Within four to six weeks, the Peruvian rebels will begin to see the positive effects of motivational speaker Rich Somers’ wildly popular Amazing Power! audio lecture series in their own lives, transporting them to an exciting new world of wealth, happiness and political power, sources say.
Testimonials to the effectiveness of the rebels’ new strategic approach were provided earlier this week by Miguel Alvaro, a former Shining Path rebel who grew up dirt-poor on a sugarcane farm but now owns a chain of tanning salons throughout California and recently purchased his dream home in Honolulu, Hawaii.
“It’s true. This amazing success formula really works,” Alvaro said in a pre-recorded segment.
“I used to be afraid that I lacked the charisma and looks necessary to attract the opposite sex,” said Alvaro, flanked by swimwear-clad young women. “But thanks to this incredible new audio cassette offer, I have the confidence I need to get what I want out of life.”
Experts believe that it is only a matter of time before the Peruvian rebels actualize their goals, using the power of positive thinking to overthrow the Fujimori regime and establish broad-based Marxist rule throughout Peru.
Herb Wahlbeck, infomercial host for Amazing Power!, agreed. “Boy, now that those rebels down in Peru have started the complete Rich Somers motivational program, I’ll just bet we start seeing loads of their jailed comrades freed. And redistribution of wealth and land reform are right around the corner for Peru. Why? Because that’s what Amazing Power! is all about.”
Wahlbeck explained that by setting goals, visualizing success and then making that success happen, Tupac Amaru forces had already made Amazing Power! work for them. Turning to a nearby camera, he added, “And it can work for you, too.”
Wahlbeck then advised reporters to dial the number at the bottom of their screen, and to have a Visa or MasterCard ready before ordering.
“For years, we have lived a life of struggle, hiding from the government in secret bases in the Andes mountains, fighting for survival against the superior military strength of our oppressors,” Cerpa said. “But from this day forth we shall triumph, secure in the knowledge that our personal confidence has been boosted, our outlook is positive-minded, and our dreams are within our reach.”
Cerpa also claimed to have quit smoking, lost 50 pounds and taken nine hostages since ordering the series.
Despite the incredible effectiveness of Amazing Power!, Peruvian military leaders are confident that all rebel efforts will be suppressed.
“Peru’s elite national guard is among the most self-actualized, excellence-focused armies in the world,” General Jorge Vasmos said in a prepared statement. “Ever since we ordered Tony Downs’ Make It Happen! motivational cassettes, our soldiers have crushed literally dozens of coup attempts. They have unlocked the ability to not only open fire, but also open their minds.”
