Panicked Meteorologists Advise Entire Nation To Take Cover After Losing Track Of Hurricane Michael

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the 350-mile-wide Category 4 cyclonic storm system could strike any region of the United States at any time, panicked meteorologists at the National Weather Service issued an official advisory Thursday for the entire country to take cover after admitting they’d lost track of Hurricane Michael’s current whereabouts. “We last saw it over the Carolinas, but it could be anywhere by now,” the terrified weather experts said of the storm, which has so far killed six, left a million people without power, and caused damage estimated in the billions of dollars across Florida and Georgia before disappearing from sight, sparking fears that it could reappear and wreak havoc on any number of unsuspecting U.S. citizens. “One minute, it was on our radar, and the next minute, it was just gone. We completely lost track of it, and that’s on us. What’s important right now is that every American from Bangor to Los Angeles takes necessary hurricane precautions in case it shows up in your area. Stay alert for lashing rain and winds of over 100 miles an hour wherever you go—it could very well be in your own backyard, for all we know.” Officials at FEMA, which has been placed on high alert, issued a statement urging every American to immediately proceed to the top of a nearby building or tree to hide from the hurricane.