Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit

WASHINGTON—Following a sudden jolt and an ear-splitting boom, oxygen masks reportedly dropped from the nation’s ceilings Wednesday after the Earth hit a rough patch in orbit. “Good afternoon, folks, we are asking that all Americans affix the yellow oxygen masks that can be seen dangling before them as we experience some unexpected turbulence,” said a thunderous voice speaking to the nation over an unseen public address system, which began to crackle in and out as the rattling Earth began to cause millions of residents to slip, fall, and slide from one side of the planet to the other. “As was stated to you at the start of this journey 4.5 billion years ago, you should ensure that your own masks are securely in place before assisting any infants or children. Please get to your seat and buckle up. Thank you. At this time, we would also like to add that you should put on the inflatable vest located under your seat.” At press time, the voice told the nation to brace itself as the planet prepared to make an emergency landing on Saturn’s rings.