Overwhelmed Arizona Hospitals Turning Away Patients Who Need Cactus Spines Plucked From Bare Asses

PHOENIX, AZ—With a rise in covid cases straining the state’s healthcare resources, overwhelmed Arizona hospitals were reportedly forced Tuesday to turn away patients who needed cactus spines plucked from their bare asses. “Unfortunately, our waiting room has already surpassed the limited number of chairs available for patients to lean facedown on as they clutch their tender bottoms in their hands, and we simply cannot take anymore,” said St. Joseph’s Health Center administrator Kale Styles, telling reporters that all the hospitals in the area were reporting crowds of patients launching themselves five feet in the air yowling in pain as they accidentally put pressure on the sharp needle protruding from their posteriors. “As coronavirus continues to ravage our community, we must regrettably even turn away those with serious but not life-threatening medical issues such as patients who recently sat on a campfire before remarking ‘something sure smells delicious’ and then running around screaming while attempt to put out the flame with a 10-gallon hat, only to make it worse—we’re approaching a triage situation here with people dying every day.” Styles added that some patients had resorted to traveling as far as Tennessee to locate a bottle of bourbon and a Zippo lighter to cauterize their wounds.