What’s hanging, teenage homies? I’m Ralph Lucci—Radical Ralph—coming to rap at you on your terms and on your turf about the things you care about most. Stuff like baggy pants, snacks, and hard-rocking carbonated beverages. As you keep livin’ your vidas loca, I want you to know that the multinational PepsiCo conglomeration, which includes dozens of dope fast-food chains, beverage brands, and packaged non-perishable snacks—and for which I’m a proud representative—is totally down with your way-out-there niche community.
You might think just because you freestyle rap with your MP3s, the PepsiCo family of products has no relevance in your life. That could not be farther from the truth. In fact, the crazy, unique, cutting-edge stuff you’re into now? The entire management team here in the North American headquarters was totally into that sh*t a couple months ago! No lie, dawgs. What’s really hot is that we even have some wreckin’-sick snack foods that are totally chill with your take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred, 13-to-17-year-old lifestyle.
Take our Doritos-brand Nacho Cheesier chips, for example. They are ghetto fabulous.
Word: If you have never tasted a Nacho Cheesier chip, do not ever taste a Nacho Cheesier chip, as you will not be able to understand a Nacho Cheesier chip. That’s just how it is with food products that are so authentic, hardcore, and fricking intenso that they redefine your entire life.
Also, our off-the-Richter-scale Mountain Dew AMP line of energy-drink beverages is truly off the hook. There’s nothing conservative about a skandalouz beverage named AMP, obviously. And we do not heavily promote it, so it’s totally underground, just like you and your hood-rat posse.
Sometimes it feels like nobody understands your rebellious, genre-defying crew of goth-rocker pals—am I right? You see, as a senior-level executive at one of the world’s largest conglomerates of food-service brands, I know exactly where you’re coming from.
One phunky-fresh freakster to another: After a long day of hanging ten while surf-blogging and buggin’ on wack ’rents problems, what’s better than a game-tight fluid refresher like Gatorade Frost?
Of course, for alternative, anti-mainstream dudes like yourselves, you might need something a little bit more punkin’. And trust me, we have got just the thing: Oberto meat snacks. Players, let me assure you, these processed-and-cured jerky competitors are stiz-upendous. Take it from me, a guy who understands the elaborate clothing styles, secret handshakes, and hep vernacular that define your wiggedy-wiggedy wack-daddy scene.
Although I do highly recommend the ill snacks and beverages I’ve already mentioned—Doritos tortilla chips, Mountain Dew AMP, and Oberto meat snacks—this is about more than just existing product lizzles. It’s about jiving around together with your buddies, playing amplified homemade instruments on the street corner, getting crazy haircuts—or better yet, dyeing your hair green!—all while helping us brainstorm some balls-out, edgy new snack foods and beverages that will appeal directly to people like you, with whom we are, of course, down.
So bust out of your grooved-out hip-hop cypher for a couple hours and come on down to the Frito-Lay building on West Essex Road this Saturday—if you are radical enough of a hipster cat, that is—and try out some of the new pimped-out food items and drink products we are developing.
Teens in the Squares demographic need not apply!
