Orkin Introduces New Extinction Service For Eliminating Pesky Animal Species

ATLANTA—Insisting no job was too big for their fleet of professional exterminators, pest-control company Orkin announced a new extinction service Thursday dedicated to the elimination of pesky animal species. “We’re thrilled to expand our pest-control services to include any species from Siberian tigers to Asian elephants,” said chairman Gary Rollins, clarifying that exterminators would provide an initial eradication followed weeks later by a second treatment to kill any survivors. “We know that animal species can be a real pain, so we’ve developed a habitat-wide spray to wipe them out. Our proprietary traps will devastate any irritating giant panda, snow leopard, or ivory-billed woodpecker within 100 miles. We can even annihilate whales, dolphins, or those obnoxious porpoises that swim alongside your boat.” At press time, Orkin had been forced to phase out their extinction service after watchdog groups discovered it had been used to eliminate humans.