Old Man Whistling While Slapping Knee Once Again Sweeps Grammys

LOS ANGELES—With a single artist dominating in nearly every category, last night’s 66th Annual Grammy Awards were once again swept by an old man in a rocking chair who whistled and slapped his knee. Whistlin’ Jesco, a blind man who reportedly lost his sight after drinking a bottle of his daddy’s hair tonic at the age of 10, was considered a frontrunner based on his previous years of favor from the Recording Academy, and he beat out contenders such as Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, and Beyoncé to win all the top categories. He also won Best Spoken Word Album for a collection of his homespun humorous vignettes about the way things were back when. Hailing from way down in the holler, Jesco performed live at the ceremony and captivated the audience at the Crypto.com Arena by showcasing his signature hambone technique, blowing into a jug, inflating his cheeks and plunking the sides of his jowls, and demonstrating a series of wheezing hiccups he referred to as “eefing.” At press time, the old man was seen spit-shining his record-breaking nine statuettes on his flannel sleeve before placing them in the middle of his kerchief to tie up into a bindle.