Nude Justice Breyer Leaves Supreme Court After Turning In His Robes

WASHINGTON—After carefully smoothing and folding the garment he’d worn for almost three decades, retiring Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer turned in his robes today, according to sources who saw him exiting his chambers completely nude. “The past 28 years have been an incredible journey, but it’s time to give this back,” said the naked jurist known for his pragmatic approach to constitutional law, who held the gown against his cheek for a final moment and wiped away a tear as a slight shiver passed through his pale, 83-year-old frame. “Seems like just the other day I was rolling up the silk sleeves on this bad boy to write the majority opinion in Stenberg v. Carhart. I’ve worn my robes every day since 1994, so going without them will take some getting used. It’s time, though. This thing is starting reek. Hopefully they can wash it before the next justice is sworn in.” At press time, Breyer appeared to be struggling to find a place to put his phone, keys, and wallet as he descended the courthouse steps in only his socks and a pair of loafers.