North Dakota Constructs Billion-Dollar Stadium Just In Case Some NFL Franchise Gets Desperate

BISMARCK, ND—Explaining that they wanted to be prepared on the off-chance there might be interest, North Dakota officials announced Friday that the state had finished construction on a billion-dollar stadium just in case some NFL franchise got desperate. “Look, we know we’re not anybody’s top choice, but we figured we’d go ahead and build one now so it will be here should an NFL team ever decide they’re ready to try playing in a quieter town with a slower pace of life,” North Dakota governor Doug Burgum said of Bismarck’s 600,000-square-foot taxpayer-financed facility, which, along with its 20,000-space parking lot, required a low-income neighborhood to be leveled and hundreds of families to be displaced. “We’re going to put up some pictures of the stadium online and see if any owners bite. They wouldn’t have to use it right away. There’s no rush at all, really. It’ll be right here. It was pretty expensive to build, though, so if anyone is interested in the naming rights, we’re more than happy to call this thing Walmart Field or the Hyundai Dome or whatever.” Burgum went on to add that the stadium could double as an Olympic arena, should Bismarck ever be selected to host the Winter or Summer Games.