Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard

NEW YORK—Diplomats and personnel from dozens of nations stopped and stared upon entering the U.N. General Assembly Hall this morning and seeing that the night-shift janitor had left a brilliant solution to the Israeli–Palestinian Conflict on the chalkboard, sources reported Wednesday. “My God, he did it—he figured it out,” said astonished U.N. ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield, who was among those who had shooed the janitor out of the hall before catching sight of the board, where he’d reportedly sketched in chalk an intricate flowchart that demonstrated how to end U.S. military hegemony in Israel, dismantle its apartheid state, and aid Palestinian efforts toward self-determination. “This is a once-in-a-generation diplomatic genius we’re confronted with here. He worked out all the boundaries, the land swaps, the right of return, everything. Entire careers have been devoted to the crafting of a Middle East peace accord, but for some reason, no one has ever come close to anything like this.” At press time, reports confirmed the chalkboard had been erased and the United States had used its leverage on the U.N. Security Council to hire a new janitor.