New World Order Holds Annual Meeting At Indianapolis Marriott

INDIANAPOLIS—Convening to maintain the organization’s invisible hand of control across the globe, the New World Order held its annual meeting Thursday at an Indianapolis Marriott. “This worldwide cabal of shadowy power brokers needs a place it can meet to plot its continued domination of all human affairs, which is why we rented out this downtown hotel’s carpeted conference room for the weekend—it’s both affordable and in a nice central location,” said Illuminati organizer [name redacted], noting that the Marriott’s business center had high-speed Wi-Fi, printing services, and a fax machine perfect for anyone who needed to attend to the business of blackmailing politicians to ensure their total subservience. “There’s a delightful breakfast buffet with an omelet station, fresh-baked pastries, and chilled juice that our lizard-people and celebrity accomplices can enjoy from 6 to 10 a.m. Everyone’s received a nice gift bag emblazoned with the New World Order logo, and we’ve put up several banners that say, ‘WELCOME SECRET WORLD LEADERS.’ After we’ve heard all our keynote speakers and learned how the weather in Southeast Asia will pan out for the next decade, we’ll adjourn for the day so we can all have a chance to take in the sights and sounds of beautiful Indianapolis.” At press time, sources confirmed members of the New World Order were discussing new ideas for wars in the Marriott’s hot tub.