New Study Finds 99% Of Tardiness Can Be Attributed To Waking Up Nude In Field With No Memory Of Own Identity

ALEXANDRIA, VA—A new study published Wednesday in The American Journal Of Medicine found that 99% of tardiness could be attributed to waking up nude in a field with no memory of one’s own identity. “Our findings suggest that poor time management is almost always caused by an individual waking up on the side of a rural, dirt road totally naked and with a large welt of unknown origins on the back of their head,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. James Reed, who added that individuals across all ages, genders, and races were almost never able to arrive to a location on time once they realized they had no memory of who they were, why they were there, or even what their name was. “In situations like these, it was extremely common for individuals to waste hours staring at themselves in the mirror, obsessing over questions like ‘Who am I?’ and ‘Who could have done this to me?’ Only when these individuals were triggered into having dark, violent flashbacks did things begin to resolve. But even then, participants would often arrive late, usually terrified, shell-shocked, and covered in bullet wounds after escaping an attempted kidnapping on the way to their destination.” Reed added that while many of the individuals’ chronic tardiness continued, some were able to resolve their issues by identifying their captor, hunting them down, and killing once and for all the boss of the crime syndicate who wiped their memory.