New Store Going To Have To Earn Place On Strip Mall Sign

CHICAGO—Saying the business was going to have to prove itself if it wants to hang with the big dogs, representatives of Imperial Garden Shopping Center confirmed Tuesday that Smith Optics, a new glasses store that just opened up, was going to have to earn its place on the strip mall’s roadside sign. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can’t just show up here and expect to be listed alongside Dollar Tree and E-Z Laundry,” said strip mall manager Tony Mavros, explaining how the eyewear boutique was going to have to learn that the decaying, sun-faded sign had a pecking order, at the top of which lies such giants as Discovery Clothing, Ross Dress For Less, and Forever Beauty. “You think you’re hot shit just because you sell glasses? Ross Dress For Less had to fight tooth and nail to get on there, and it’s not going to be any different for you, pal.” Mavros added that it’s irrelevant that half of the shops listed on the sign are currently out of business, as Smith Optics will have to fucking bring it regardless.