New Partially Digested Doritos Eliminate Tedious Chewing

DALLAS–At a press conference Monday, Frito-Lay unveiled “Doritos Soft,” an exciting new partially digested version of the popular snack chip. “Now the great taste of Doritos comes pre-digested, so you don’t have to,” an upcoming print ad for the product read. “Packed with the same gastric enzymes you yourself secrete, Doritos Soft blasts that awesome nacho taste straight to your large intestine, ’cuz you’re too biz-zay for chewin’!” The new product arrives in the wake of the success of Mountain Dew Gold, a soft drink that is 40 percent urine.