New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin

LOS ANGELES—Claiming their new quick-acting solution will slough off your oily T-zone and other problem areas within seconds, Neutrogena introduced Tuesday an extra-strength face wash that instantly and permanently dissolves bad skin. “We’re excited to offer customers our new ultra-astringent Extra-Strength Skin Remover, a formulation of pomegranate essence, lavender, and all-natural hydrogen ions clinically proven to break down 99.9 percent of unsightly flesh,” read a press release from Neutrogena in part, also explaining that the patented five-acid solution penetrates epidermal, dermal, and subcutaneous tissue before sublimating it away completely. “Finally, a purifying formula that permanently washes away oily, dry, or simply unwanted skin in the blink of an eye. All you have to do is apply with a dry cloth, wait for five to 10 seconds as the cream corrodes your face, and enjoy the satisfaction of seeing unhealthy toxins, unwanted hair follicles, overworked nerve endings, unsightly fat, striated muscle tissue, and any other flesh fall right into your sink.” The press release also noted that Extra-Strength Skin Remover works best when used with Neutrogena’s anti-aging Pearlescent Cartilage Polisher.