New Monster Energy Defibrillator Touts 1,200 Volts Delivered Straight To Heart

CORONA, CA—Boasting that their edgy new product was intended “solely for hardcore adrenaline junkies who want to grab life by the balls,” Monster Energy unveiled Friday their new defibrillator, a black-and-acid-green portable recreational unit they claim is capable of delivering 1,200 volts straight to the heart. “This is a product meant for the active consumer who starts their workday, their night out, and their weekend like goddamn Frankenstein,” Monster CEO Rodney Sacks said in an introductory video, which also claimed that each 50-amp serving packs enough current to “unleash the beast” and permanently damage the central nervous systems of poseurs. “Slap our Monster-brand saline electrode gel on the pads, slap the pads on your chest, and slap your heart across its bitch face. Whether you’re at work, the gym, or the club, the Monster Defibrillator only needs 10 milliseconds to make you feel like Genghis Khan fucking a yeti. For that extra kick, mix with vodka.” At press time, specialists at Corona Medical Center said Sacks was expected to recover completely from the extensive arc burns to his organs and spinal column.