New Gun Control Measure Would Put Firearms In Difficult-To-Open Hard Plastic Packaging

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the deadly epidemic, Democrats put forward a new gun control measure Thursday that would require all firearms to be placed in difficult-to-open plastic clamshell packaging before being sold. “This bill, HR 1837, would make it illegal to sell any guns that aren’t ensconced in a confusing plastic case with countless tabs that do seemingly nothing, as well as an unwieldy vacuum-sealed wrapper,” said Rep. Bill Foster (D-IL), noting that the bill would target prospective shooters by making them so frustrated trying to get the goddamn thing open that they would abandon their original plot. “Studies have overwhelmingly shown that accidental discharges drop when firearms are properly secured, and we believe this will only be increased as potential assailants get their hands all scratched up trying to reach in and undo the twist ties keeping it in place.” At press time, news of the bill had sent scissors and utility knife sales soaring.