New Black Wristbands Designated For Visitors Condemned To Spend Eternity At Water Park

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Dooming parkgoers to an eternity of family fun in the sun, a new black wristband was unveiled Friday for visitors condemned to spend the rest of time at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. “We are happy to offer our new accursed black wristbands to those damned to endlessly wander the world’s largest and most eclectic collection of water rides,” said Schlitterbahn spokesperson Maggie Lee, adding that for only $35 per month, lost souls could wade the lazy river, remain trapped on downward-spiraling water slides, and enjoy the park’s many concessions forever with no respite. “This raven-black wristband gives visitors no choice but to explore the Master Blaster Uphill Water Coaster, Boogie Bahn Surfing Ride, Cliffhanger Tube Chute, and Bamboozle Bay Heated Pool for an infinite number of years. A permanent shackle upon the wrists of the blighted, it also entitles the wearer to one free foot-long chili-cheese dog basket during their unending stay in a watery prison of no escape.” Asked if reentry to the water park was permitted with black wristbands, Lee explained that wearers who attempted to leave would have their souls ripped from their bodies and lose all privileges at the swim-up bar.