Netflix Limits Users To One Eye Per Screen

LOS GATOS, CA—In response to reports that the streaming giant had lost significant revenue to rampant account sharing, Netflix announced Tuesday it had begun to crack down on users and limit them to a single eyeball per screen. “Starting today, account holders who watch Netflix programs will only be allowed to do so with one eye at a time, and should they attempt to use more, their account will immediately be frozen,” said CEO Ted Sarandos, adding that subscribers could have either their left eye or their right eye open, but using both would trigger a warning message. “While we want as many users as possible to enjoy Netflix’s revolutionary slate of programs, users will now be required to either close one eyelid, cover an eye with their hand, or alternatively, gouge out an eyeball. Should viewers wish to use both eyes to consume our content, they are invited to pay an additional $2.99 per month.” At press time, Sarandos announced plans to begin cracking down on account holders who use both ears to listen to Netflix content, but said they could absolutely use all senses while watching the company’s newly implemented advertisements.