Nationwide Lifeguard Shortage Could Postpone Thousands Of Sexual Awakenings

MILWAUKEE—Amid a continuing labor shortage impacting small towns and cities across the country, officials warned Wednesday that the inability to fill lifeguard positions could postpone thousands of sexual awakenings. “Without anyone jogging along the beach while their breasts move up and down in slow motion, we fear that it could be months or even years before teens experience that first strange feeling that begins as a little tickle but grows into a robust feeling of their own sexuality,” said Milwaukee County Parks official Shannon Millard, who stated that with the difficulties the department was facing now, there was no way that 13-year-old boys could expect to fake drowning in order to receive mouth-to-mouth from a buxom high school senior any time soon. “There will be no attempts to impress the lifeguard by doing an awesome flip off the diving board, no boners to hide with an inner tube. At the rate things are going, these youths could go their whole lives without becoming aroused by the mere scent of sunscreen.” At press time, the parks department was offering a $1,000 signing bonus to any lifeguard who would slowly emerge from the pool as drops of water gleamed upon their supple body.