Nation Settles On Being Home To Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame As New Foundation For American Exceptionalism

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the museum was now the country’s most praiseworthy, distinguishing feature, the United States reportedly resolved Tuesday that being home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would serve as the new foundation for American exceptionalism. “While our claim to be the world’s foremost democracy is open to dispute, we remain the only nation on Earth with a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame,” said historian Fran Kimball of the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars, emphasizing that no other country in the free world had ever put Prince’s love-symbol-shaped guitar, Michael Jackson’s iconic glove, and Elvis Presley’s custom-built SuperTrike motorcycle under one roof. “There are certainly other museums around the world, even other music museums, but do they have ZZ Top’s ‘Eliminator’ hot rod on display? They do not. Thus, America remains the indispensable country.” At press time, a new poll found the majority of the nation supported military action against Austria, arguing that an invasion of Vienna’s House of Music was necessary to preserve American values.