Nation’s Next Of Kin Exhausted From Constantly Identifying Bodies

WASHINGTON—In an urgent plea to authorities asking for a break from the emotionally draining duty, America’s next of kin announced Monday that they were exhausted and depleted from years of continually identifying dead bodies. “Sometimes it feels as if our only purpose in life is to head down to the morgue and help out investigators by viewing the remains of a loved one and crying out, ‘Yes, yes that’s them,’” the nation’s closest living relatives said in a written statement, which went on to detail the long-term mental health consequences of having to see the bloated, dismembered, or defiled corpses of family members, often on a weekly basis. “We gasp, we turn away in horror, we are wracked with sobs at the sight of a familiar face drained of life. It takes its toll. Sadly, our only consolation is the occasional vast fortune that we, as next of kin, inherit when a wealthy relative dies without a will.” The statement continued with an admission that the rare situations when the body lying on the cold slab was not a loved one, but a complete stranger, were pretty exciting.