Nation’s Embattled CEOs Announce We Just Gotta Do Better, Simple As That

WASHINGTON—Confirming that it had been a disappointing quarter, the nation’s embattled CEOs announced Tuesday that we just gotta do better, simple as that. “It’s not an easy conversation to have, folks, but we’re gonna have to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we’re really giving it our all,” said CEO Vasilios Manginis, speaking on behalf of thousands of battle-weary business leaders who urged Americans to get ready to roll up their sleeves and really do the work if we want to turn things around here. “We’re not where we need to be and that’s all there is to it, so from here on out, we all need to step it up and really bring our A game. I don’t want to hear any excuses.” At press time, Manginis had joined thousands of other embattled executives in receiving a multimillion dollar payout after their company was acquired by a private equity firm.