Nation Demands More Jobs Where You Steer Ship With Big Wooden Wheel

WASHINGTON—Insisting more people should get to wear an old oilskin hat and smoke a pipe at work, the American populace on Tuesday demanded more jobs in which a person gets to steer a ship with a big wooden wheel. “To rebuild our nation’s middle class, workers will need good, stable jobs in which they navigate the choppy waters of the open sea by firmly gripping a large wheel of solid oak, mahogany, or teak,” said Kansas City, MO resident Luke Doran, who echoed the sentiments of all 335 million Americans when, during a Labor Department hearing at which economists tried to explain the infeasibility of constructing such a massive fleet of sailing ships, he cut off the experts by yelling “Land ho!” at the top of his lungs. “Most of us already know how steering works. Though we may not have the right credentialing now, we have more than the requisite enthusiasm needed to captain a full-rigged seafaring vessel. We must make this happen.” The nation went on to demand that these helmsman jobs involve a lot of singing, and that the songs have big, hearty choruses that the whole crew of the ship joins in on.