Nation Attempts To Fall Asleep By Doing Little Impression Of Sleeping

SAN FRANCISCO—Climbing into bed in hopes of getting a solid night’s rest for once, a tired, bleary-eyed nation announced Sunday night that it would now attempt to fall asleep by doing a little impression of sleeping. “All snuggled up and ready to sleep—here I go!” said 26-year-old Bay Area resident Daphne Halloway, one of more than 330 million Americans who reportedly let out an exaggerated yawn, hugged a teddy bear, and squeezed their eyes tightly shut, hoping the lighthearted imitation of sleep would trick their brains into letting them drift off into a genuine slumber. “Yes sirree, I’m being whisked away to dreamland…hmm, okay, might need to sell it a little harder: Honk, shoo, me-me-me-me! Honk, shoo, me-me-me-me!” On Monday morning, reports confirmed the strategy had failed, and the nation was now stretching its arms above its head and rubbing its eyes as it began a daylong effort to do a little impression of wakefulness.