Stock car racing’s growth has slowed almost to a halt in recent years, which in turn has forced NASCAR management to go up-market in search of increased revenue. Onion Sports lays out the key points of their bid for upper-crust legitimacy:
Paved asphalt tracks will be replaced with more refined polished hardwood tracks
Drivers now required to say “please” during passing situations and “thank you” while drafting
Only free-range chicken wings, lightly braised in a red wine and cilantro reduction, may be thrown at Mr. Dale Earnhardt the Second, Esq.
Suddenly no one minds that Jeff Gordon is gay
Fans encouraged to wear polo shirts and chinos all the time, not just when Best Buy or Applebee’s assistant managers remind them about the dress code
Building 2.5-mile banked superspeedway oval around Manhattan’s trendy-chic Tribeca neighborhood
Asking hot streetwear artist/designer Marc Ecko to redesign Confederate flag for today’s hip young urban fans
After all crashes, drivers must exchange insurance information as well as report the incident to local police
Announcers forced to describe everything with the word “exquisite”
Distancing race series from fans, participants
