Following recent Senate hearings on Ticketmaster, more and more artists are speaking out against the online ticket-sales monolith. The Onion asked musicians how they felt about the platform, and this is what they said.
Michael Bublé
“I’m confident I can deliver my fans $59 worth of concert value, but adding the extra $9 puts way too much pressure on me.”
Phoebe Bridgers
“I wasn’t able to get Taylor Swift tickets, and now the only way I can see her on tour is as the opening act.”
Frankie Valli
“My fans are so old that even the slightest hiccup in purchasing will kill them.”
Taylor Swift
“We used to date.”
John Fogerty
“Their website has way too many buttons.”
Billy Joel
“Oh, so I need a reason to hate stuff now?”
Jared Leto
“I’m tired of hooking up with bots on my tour bus.”
Madonna
“These middlemen are awful. I miss the days when I got to directly shake down my most committed fans.”
Lorde
“They misspelled my name once, and ever since I’ve had to be this Lorde person when performing. ‘Lorde’? Just what the hell is that? I sound like an idiot.”
Rihanna
“If I’m going to tour again, I don’t want the Senate having little meetings about it.”
Harry Styles
“My manager told me I had to hate them for the next three to five weeks.”
Neil Young
“I’m generally against things that didn’t originate on a farm.”
T.I.
“They’ve refused to distribute tickets to my open-mic comedy shows.”
Lady Gaga
“I can never get past the Captcha.”
Jon Bon Jovi
“They’ve stolen the amulet from which I derive my unnatural youth and will destroy it unless I continue to tour for all of time.”
Tim McGraw
“Their wanton abuse of market power is antithetical to the ideals of the American economy. Plus, they said no when I asked for a cut of the processing fees.”
Björk
“I wouldn’t know. All tickets to my shows mysteriously appear under my fans’ pillows as they sleep.”
