Following recent Senate hearings on Ticketmaster, more and more artists are speaking out against the online ticket-sales monolith. The Onion asked musicians how they felt about the platform, and this is what they said.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/3c72bb804057d51013569ccef935c780.jpg)
Michael Bublé
“I’m confident I can deliver my fans $59 worth of concert value, but adding the extra $9 puts way too much pressure on me.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/47e5e142f81c6037050f7dde64a1f82b.jpg)
Phoebe Bridgers
“I wasn’t able to get Taylor Swift tickets, and now the only way I can see her on tour is as the opening act.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/fa454060d14c91878812099150d4f16f.jpg)
Frankie Valli
“My fans are so old that even the slightest hiccup in purchasing will kill them.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/srjo8wcgzauxraki4brb.jpg)
Taylor Swift
“We used to date.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/75b830b0961e6b8038ce44bbc4c817cf.jpg)
John Fogerty
“Their website has way too many buttons.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/tboob9fmuw2l6brwtctx.jpg)
Billy Joel
“Oh, so I need a reason to hate stuff now?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/964a89a02bb14cc2d88868edf756e20c.jpg)
Jared Leto
“I’m tired of hooking up with bots on my tour bus.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/d7105bf74cac66f91fc47e076a937f87.jpg)
Madonna
“These middlemen are awful. I miss the days when I got to directly shake down my most committed fans.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/8acb760ef659a2a0d36fb469a468b901.jpg)
Lorde
“They misspelled my name once, and ever since I’ve had to be this Lorde person when performing. ‘Lorde’? Just what the hell is that? I sound like an idiot.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/1672c3ba33db467a8310eba0cec94096.jpg)
Rihanna
“If I’m going to tour again, I don’t want the Senate having little meetings about it.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/26fc68ab218e73e320e785f4a8abb65c.jpg)
Harry Styles
“My manager told me I had to hate them for the next three to five weeks.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/6bdc45445f32f6546dff40f70e295188.png)
Neil Young
“I’m generally against things that didn’t originate on a farm.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/3932ce5586186e5a0858818ad066a62a.jpg)
T.I.
“They’ve refused to distribute tickets to my open-mic comedy shows.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/ldrmivhcnvklreu6wj4f.jpg)
Lady Gaga
“I can never get past the Captcha.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/0dc866808f9a059b5aaa58331a3d9d99.jpg)
Jon Bon Jovi
“They’ve stolen the amulet from which I derive my unnatural youth and will destroy it unless I continue to tour for all of time.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/15ab81086f626a28712e7f3d9ac515fc.jpg)
Tim McGraw
“Their wanton abuse of market power is antithetical to the ideals of the American economy. Plus, they said no when I asked for a cut of the processing fees.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/4de590158770282303e5a4de16658358.jpg)
Björk
“I wouldn’t know. All tickets to my shows mysteriously appear under my fans’ pillows as they sleep.”